Beautiful Soul

I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I wanna chase
You're the one I wanna hold
I wont let another minute go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul

I know that you are something special
To you I'd be always faithful
I want to be what you always needed
Then I hope you'll see the heart in me

I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I wanna chase
You're the one I wanna hold
I wont let another minute go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul

Your beautiful soul, yeah
You might need time to think it over
But im just fine moving forward
I'll ease your mind
If you give me the chance
I will never make you cry c`mon lets try

I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I wanna chase
You're the one I wanna hold
I wont let another minute go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul

Am I crazy for wanting you
Baby do you think you could want me too
I don't wanna waste your time
Do you see things the way I do
I just wanna know if you feel it too
There is nothing left to hide

I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I wanna chase
You're the one I wanna hold
I wont let another minute go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul

You beautiful soul, yeah.

From the album Beautiful Soul by Jesse McCartney.

Cast my burdens...

my exam is next week and I barely know anything. I dont have time. No wait I have time but too many things are going on at the same time. This time im really being pushed to my max. Ive got to get a house within this week, get electricity, internet, gas, water, have to clean the house,. Yet, my exam is next week, and on top of that, all these silly things happening around me. Im tired, but i cant take a break. My exams in a few more days...4 days to be exact. Know nuts about it.

God help me. I need to balance all of these that is happening around me. God you hold everything together. You said in Your word that the whole creation is held together by your power. In you all things exist, and because of You all things exist. Situation may be tough mentally, physically and emotionally but I know that through my weakness, I will know Your strength. Help me to focus on my exams and give me understanding on the things I read. Grant me my picture memory again so I wont have to keep reading the same thing over and over again to memorize it. Whatever the results will be, may everyone know that it was not my works but Your handiwork that was working.

.

dissapointed

Time

Time...it needs it to build and yet because of it destroys. Careful steps taken yet, got too tangled up. Who am I doing it for...Why am I doing it? I had the right focus but somehow it strayed as suddenly I begin to think I could have gotten more. Emotionally tangled. But I am getting there..
rethink..refocus... forget what I could have...cuz I know He prepares the best and I wouldnt settle for second best. Every step I have taken thus far was all led by Him. I realize how far it has strayed without Him as my focus.
God, take away my distractions. bring me to your solitary place again. Too many pending decisions and I cant decide without your guidance as I will always make wrong decisions without your consultation. Relinquish me from my own captivity and bring me to another level of dependance on you.

13th June nearing and its gonna be time to do some car shopping. By now, after nearly 21 yrs I think I know what cars I dont want. Dont think Im sure I know what car I want yet.lol.... God, are you finished with my car yet? when will it be ready?lol..everything is about time isnt it.

Time...it needs it to build and yet because of it destroys.

I know

I know whats happening. 

I know what happened.I know but I pretend not to know. Or do I really know? I am certain...very certain ....or am I? Even if it is so, why then does it feel this way? Why then does it have to be this way. Why do I have to see things and pick up suttle clues. Why do I have to know. Why.

I know what you did. 

Maybe it was better not knowing.better living in self denial.Would time be proportonal to the actions we do like what einstein said? If so, let me move faster, let me run like the wind and skip this part of life. 

Or maybe, just maybe Ive been brought to this situation again and again and yet I run. the easy way out. Do I stick up to it this time. Is it worth sticking up to it. Maybe, just ....just maybe its time I did something different.

Open your eyes.

What do I do now. I cant wait. I cant rush. I cant run. I cant endure. Or maybe I can but I choose not to. Why cant you see.. 

Look at me

Why? Why not.  Maybe its the things I do. The commitment ive placed. I hope you see it the way I see it. 

Im beginnning to like my car. Not gonna look for a new one.

I want to keep my old car.Its not for sale.No test driving without me knowing. No, let me rephrase that ;  No test-drive. period.

Getting a car?

 It came in with a polished surface. Beautiful on the exterior with a metalic shine on it to top it off. But the car just wouldnt start. The engine dies every few minutes. The wipers wouldnt move. The seats in the car were not that bad, but it obviously needed a little cleaning. 

So i started cleaning it, vacuming the seats, fixing the wipers, changed the battery. It took me hours to have it all done. Alas it was clean interiorly. With a sigh of relief, i sat in the front seat of the car, wiping the sweat off my brow. Slided the seatbelt across my chest, placed on feet firmly on the clutch and one on the accelerator.after making sure it is on free gear, I turned the ignition key on.The roaring of the engine was music to my ears...then suddenly it died. I tried again...and it died 2 mins later.

Then I began to realize how insignificant all my hard work had been. I tried cleaning up the interior, fixing what I could fix but the car still needed to stay alive on its own. The engine needed to run...and nothing I can do will keep it running. The most I can do is to start the engine, after that it is the engine that has to choose to continue what I started. 

I cant hold on longer. I cant always be the one holding things together. Limitation is reality. As much as I try to bring the best out of it, I can only do so much. The rest..its up to it.  I thought a nice exterior would be nice as a car to show off to others. But what is the use of it if it cant run on its own? Whats the use of it if I have to keep starting the engine over and over again just to keep it running?

Do I want to keep this car? I dont know. Or should I start shopping for a better one. I dont know. Is there a car thats good on the exterior,interior, good smooth engine ...and cheap?ahha..not that I cant afford but low maintainence is always an advantage...no?

I think thats why I will always be without a car and would always be walking alone...lol.

Orbituary

*cited from The Star paper on the 21st of Jan.*

For the man who had nothing...and defied all odds and circumstances to have made something out of nothing ...through hard work..

and now..

is remembered as the man who left behind a legacy of succesful children and gandchildren...

We...are.... his legacy...

Trust

This predicament is nothing cryptic.Gone through it a million times and yet still awaiting for a definitive answer. It is as though a moment of frisson was stucked somewhere in the lower lobe of my lung, The sensation of it leaping out yet with strain and agony I hold it back within, supressing it down. For what reason, I do not know. Maybe I'm afraid.Dauntedly apprehensive of what it might become.

One thing comes to mind. Trust.

Suspiciously a childish term used to encourage oneself in times of dilemma. Choices certainly do get bigger as we grow older. Trouble is not only are the choices necessary but the thought of living through the consequences of it for the rest of my life is horrifying.

Yet, Trust.

But what do I trust in?Trust doesnt give me an answer on which to choose? Trust doesnt show me how to choose them. Trust doesnt answer any of my questions!!

But still the word flashes in mind, Trust.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding"

Bye 2008

The young and futile mind would revolve around materialism, money and popularity. Why? Have we ever wondered why? Have we ever considered or thought of why do we want so badly for people around to notice us? Why do we care about what people might think of us? Everyone, unless you live in your own denial, does to a certain extend care about what others may think of them, hence the dressing, the character, the outlook appearance.

But having achieved all these by the age of 20(too a certain extend that is), helps me cherish this Christmas all the more. I realize that this Christmas, I wasnt looking forward to gifts or presents but more so I looked forward to cards and wishes and company. I diddnt need people to buy me things, I could buy them on my own. I didnt need more money, I have more than what I need. I diddnt need to be more popular, I have a wide enough circle of friends. But one thing I cherished most this Christmas, were words of encouragement, Christmas cards written, letters, sms, e-mails. Those are the stuff I cant buy with my own money, those are the things earned from every drop of sweat this year.And some come undeservingly. 

I realize the gift I had this year was not something that was tangible but rather a character that would last a long time...

Thanks 2008.

Decisions

The altercation in the mind is only but a silent killer that awakes from the inside and would well be hidden through the phase of life. It goes about unnoticed, subtle yet real. Often leading to despondency , oblivious to what had been the cause of it. Sufficiency of reason depletes as the altercation grows louder and louder and a cry from the inside screams out for peace ..in the mind. The birth of indecisiveness and irrationality soon becomes apparent. Adversary of oneself becomes the toughest challenge in life. Decisions ,no doubt chooses the journey and the pathway of life.

Decisions is always a constant struggle. Dilemma was becoming more of a friend. But as the sequential movements of events in what we measure as 'time' soon passes, and the facets of life scrutinized from hindsight, It becomes more obvious of the fact that choices and decisions made are in no relation to age but relates directly to the maturity of a person. The scale of decision making suddenly becomes subjective to the individual . It becomes like a thumbprint that everyone would have a different character, a different anxiety, a different goal, a different motive to every decision making. Although the decision might somewhat  similar to another person, but if circumstances ,sequence of events and emotions were taken into consideration, it is a whole new, different decision altogether.

If this is true, then is it not also true that no one would be able to FULLY comprehend what another is going through?Maybe it is possible  to a certain extend , but to take everything else into consideration, the greatest degree of understanding would never be achievable by a mere human being. The life gone through is a masterpiece itself.

Who then do we turn to?Who then do we seek? 

Maybe, just maybe...thats why we need God.

Thats just me, but most importantly what do you think?

You are near

Ok its time to unleash the song i composed more than a year ago 

It was composed on 30th November 2007. Its still in my old blog post.=)

If you guys want to have a look at the old post CLICK HERE

Let me know what you guys think =)

You can stream it from here

Or download it  from the link below

You are near.mp3

Christmas carol *UPdated version*

A Christmas present for all of u,

unedited,fresh, no digital effects,

just a lousy laptop mic, a guitar and me =)

*UPDATED VERSION -10.40am  17/12/08*

You can stream it from here

Or download it (clearer) from the link below

O Holy night.mp3

The profiler

The art of studying a person's character, the movements, response, eye contact , posture ,speech and most importantly change in character provides enough information to depict one's character, one's lifestyle, one's weakness, one's strength. It is a personality test , not of verbal or written response in honesty but of unconscious actions.

The more observation time given, the more history there would be to leak out along the way. Picture paints a thousand words, what more if it is live in action. The mistake or rather the weakness of this art is that too much assumption is done on the character of who they will be in the future or potentially be. Mind would start to turn potentiality into something that is certain which is dangerous as we give no room for change. 

This gift was further developed through the game of chess. As prediction of opponents move could be done 8 moves ahead of the opponents mind. Which means, nothing the opponent can do would surprise me in the next 16 steps as I have already seen it coming. 

Guess now it has become apart of me, to discern, predict and anticipate movements and actions of others. The sad part = rarely am I surprised. Why is it sad? surprise is a part of life.

The setback of possessing this ability is that sometimes weakness of another is magnified over strength as more concern is being put in that area. This way, Ill never get to meet my Miss perfect . hahahah. God, 7 more months and I would have faithfully completed my deal =). 

WOw..its october!!!

Wow...its october already.

Man...what a journey this year has been.

I dare to stand here and say there is no one in my circle people that I know am going through the stuff I go through. And I boast about it because now I know what it is like to fully rely on God's strength and not my own. I learnt it not because I was willing to but more of me being put in a situation where all my strength has been drained and I have no other source to depend on. You know how we have so much head knowledge about God, Im telling ya that it is nothing until you have experienced it.

Lets start with my job.I work at least 25 hours a week on a uni day and 45-50 hours a week on a holiday. You see, if people were to just have a job with that amount of hours, they would be tired by the end of the day.

Then comes church. Well we're pioneering a church so were pretty much heavily involved in building up the church.Lets see... monday night bible study, weds night prayer meeting, friday night youth, Sunday Service. I guess my focus has been the music ministry and leading the youth group to a greater dimension.

Then there is studies. Well to be frank, I dont have time for studies.not that im lazy, but I really dont! ahha . Exam is tomorrow, I just started studying yesterday. ahah!

Well so to summarize my time,

Monday - (9-6pm) uni and work. (8-10pm) bible study

Tuesday -  (9-6pm) uni and work. (7-10pm) giving tuition

Wednesday -  (9-6pm) uni and work. (8-10pm) prayer meeting

Thursday -  (9-6pm) uni and work. (rest of the day) planning for youth.practice for worship

Friday -  (9-6pm) uni and work. (7-10pm) Pick people up for Youth, and have youth after.

Saturday -( 9-5pm) Work. (rest of the day) practice for Sunday worship.

Sunday - (3-5pm) Setup hall for service (5-7pm) Service

I told God, "I really need your strength as I am not doing this for myself but all this, literally all of this is for you. I am going to give you my all and I know you will take care of my studies for me.Ive been doing it all this while, but this time the test is even greater and I am fully dependent on you for strength and wisdom.By Human strength  I might survive for one month with this schedule, but for the rest of the year...I need you."

And before I know it ....Its october now!!! ANd you know what, I am not tired but I feel that I have alot more left in me. and everything has been working great ever since. 

I got a promotion in the job, my credibility and influence has increased. Church has been growing ever since especially with the youth  doubling every couple of months. Studies wise, I thank God for the results he gave me for semester one...couldnt be happier. For this semester...I still have to rely on Him, but I know He will not fail me as long as I keep my focus on Him. 

=)

Fathers Day

I found that amusing..ahha

Something i realized.... if i fall sick and dont work out for7 days in a row, my abs would just disappear!! Its Amazing at how long u take for it to get there...and how fast it could just disappear. It is not as permanent as Biceps. biceps stay there regardless. lol

Father's day is approaching.... Wonder how it feels like to be a father watching your own child grow. Wonder how it feels like to see your own child fail/succeed in life. Wonder how much it would hurt a father to see his child humbled by life. Wonder how much more pressure a father would feel to have his child do well in their studies.Wonder how it would feel like if your child does not return home from scholl and theres no way of cantacting him/her. Wonder what it feels like to nurture your own child your whole life and let him/her go approaching adulthood. Wonder what it feels like to be a dad.....

Do i blame dad's for nagging,disciplining and putting pressure on kids? I dont think I will. As much as I hate it as a child, I would probably end up doing the same thing. I guess as a child you wouldnt understand how a dad would feel until you become one.

May all dad's have a blessed fathers day this Sunday! =)

Happy Fathers day!(in advance)

Wednesday..

I have a 1500 word essay due on fri. I havent started on it.I thought to myself maybe I'll skip uni on thursday to do the essay.Besides that, I was feeling great.Was looking forward to all-you-can-eat-sushi on thurs nite with 4 gals...ahem...well my work colleaugues ahem.Wonder y we're not employing any guys at my shop. ahah. I shared during prayer meeting and challenged the adults to be a support to the youth and how nurturing their passion for God is important. NIght ended well, but i was beginning to feel sick. I was starting to shiver....

Thursday...

One more day for my assignment to be handed in. Havent started on it. Diddnt get enough sleep. Was tossing and turning through the night. Head felt like it was gonna burst.Was shivering through the night.Woke up to find myself down with fever. Neck was strained. Each time i cough it just added a sudden motion jerk that sends a signal to my brain nerves to strain. It was excruciating. I was fighting the battle that only exhausted myself. by 7am with my eyes still open, grimacing in pain, I called my dad in to pray for me.that was sweet i thought. havent had that happen in a long time. I went to the doctor to get the MC. Doctor gave me two days of MC. now I have an excuse to hand in my assignment late? I missed out on the sushi thingy btw. I was in agony. By 7pm, I still had not consume anything besdes panadols. I had no appetite for water or food. And I was vomitting. It was getting worse.

Friday....

I slept outside in the living hall this time. Slept sitting up. Couldnt lie down as i felt the urge to puke each time i was lying down.I woke up feeling fresh. no more fever. Slight headahe but i can deal with that. I just need more rest. Assignment is due. I e-mailed the lecturer to let her know my situation.I was still coughing but I can deal with it. Its not excruciating, its just irritating.Also prepared the songs for Sunday as I'm worship leading. Changed the chords with steph's help and type it up and e-mailed out.At about 1-3am was watching "ah long"...LOVED IT.. with hannah, steph and veryn. *Steph was snoring half the time...haha jk*

Saturday....

Recovering...but not fully recovered. Diddnt go for youthalive concert in an attempt to recover properly.I want to give my best to God on Sunday. Lecturer just e-mailed back granting me an extension to until Monday wishing me the best in my recovery =) . Currently starting on my assignment. 

Sunday..

is gonna be a blast. Last week was a fun night with the launch of our new church. This week, this week, we're taking it another level higher. God, as I am weak in body now, empower and strengthen me so that you may be glorified above all else.

Update!!!

OK if u guys are wondering how hannah and steph are doing..... i think these pic explains it all!!!

ahah....more pics were taken but some needs to be censored....LOL

this was after the launching of the new church..woot!

CHANGE

Everything is different, everything is changing.

Church.I used to observe but now Im more involved than ever.wednesdays fridays and sundays. Guitaring,worship leading, backup singing, sharing, planning.I want to do more! but what? I dont want to burnout nor do i want to maintain the fire.I want to burn bigger and brighter

Studies. I used to excell but now im struggling to be at the top. im nowhere near the top. I need help. I need time to study. I need the mood to study. I thought i was good until i found myself in a class of melbourne nerds.

Work. I used to enjoy my work with my colleagues but now everyone has left and now its a new set of people.everyones new.I cant fit in. I force myself to work. Everyone(esp the new manager) is dependant on me for the performance of the store. I like it but i Dont. I want to concentrate on my studies.

Hold me close,

Let your love surrounds me,

bring me near,

draw me to your side,

as i wait,

ill rise up like a eagle,

and i will soar with you,

your spirit leads me on,

by the power of your love.

My account of my birthday....

SO my 1st birthday wish started 30 minutes before the clock striked 12. She called and it was cool catching up on the long lost years that we've been apart.SHe has her life now...i have mine .Although we are living in two different countries , it still fails to change the care-free chat that we would always have.to chat just about anything...everything. It was great, refreshing and certainly assuring that there are still people around who still have my back.

By 12am, the influx of sms came in with the constant beeping of my phone while i was still on the phone. Even after I got off the phone at half past 12 the messages were ruining my sleep...up till 2am.Do i mind? no...Its nice to be loved...to feel loved..... thanks every one.....disturb me anytime you want.....anytime!


I awoke the next day, did my usual routines and headed off to berwick to pick her up. It was raining. I thankedGod for cooling down my day and I told God thats about enough...I think I need sunshine now =). And so ...sunshine it was! Upon reaching my destination, there it was ...God's gift....A perfectly semicircle rainbow majestically arrayed in the sky. I looked up to the heavens and said "so that was what the early rain was for? thanks for going through so much trouble God...I really appreciate it....Its a birthday gift Man can never make...but only God can."
Thank you God, for making me feel special today.

We then had a movie and dinner after.I was spoilt.really.For the first time, I diddnt come out a cent. yes, my first time. THANKS.

then people started calling in wiching happy birthday....ahhhaha its great to feel special even if it is for one day.I guss if you get this everyday...you wouldnt feel special anymore.

then it was night....i had my youth meeting on.It was awesome...fantastic.... The atmosphere was great. I had candles, cake....and a birthday song. I had hugs...and lotsa love. Youth has been a very encouraging source and is certainly playing a big role in my growth and walk with God.

We started at 8, and ended at 12. No one wanted to leave....it was just great company and I miss them already. Now we have 15 and should be hitting 20 by july or august. God will provide.
God, I pray that you can be real to them as you are so real to me.Make them feel special just like you have always done to me. LEt your favour be so evident upon their lives that theres only one person to point the glory back which is to you oh God. LOve you.

*P.s not forgeting those who came on msn and also those who left their wishes via e-mail, facebook friendster and also those who called me up at various times through the day....THANKS HEAPS!*

Just for you God

The more i look at it, the more frustrated i AM. Give me patience God. Teach me to love because out of my will, I cant. The more frustrated I am .....the more I am at the verge of giving up. At that very edge, I lose all hope, I lose all strength.....I began to take a second look. The more I look at it, the more similarities I see in me.

I see me in it. Thank you God for opening my eyes to see things that I would never have known if it wasnt for this.Break it Lord, I strive for perfection, perfection in character because I want to be the best for you.Show me more O lord.

TEach me forgiveness and teach me rebuke at the same time. Neither strong on one nor weak on another. Teach me joyfullness and compassion.Teach me dependability and independence.Teach me Patience and courage. Teach me contentment and diligence. Never let one be stronger than another.

All I want....and all I ever need from you is for you to look down smilin and say "well done son."
Ill make you a proud father.