Decisions

The altercation in the mind is only but a silent killer that awakes from the inside and would well be hidden through the phase of life. It goes about unnoticed, subtle yet real. Often leading to despondency , oblivious to what had been the cause of it. Sufficiency of reason depletes as the altercation grows louder and louder and a cry from the inside screams out for peace ..in the mind. The birth of indecisiveness and irrationality soon becomes apparent. Adversary of oneself becomes the toughest challenge in life. Decisions ,no doubt chooses the journey and the pathway of life.

Decisions is always a constant struggle. Dilemma was becoming more of a friend. But as the sequential movements of events in what we measure as 'time' soon passes, and the facets of life scrutinized from hindsight, It becomes more obvious of the fact that choices and decisions made are in no relation to age but relates directly to the maturity of a person. The scale of decision making suddenly becomes subjective to the individual . It becomes like a thumbprint that everyone would have a different character, a different anxiety, a different goal, a different motive to every decision making. Although the decision might somewhat  similar to another person, but if circumstances ,sequence of events and emotions were taken into consideration, it is a whole new, different decision altogether.

If this is true, then is it not also true that no one would be able to FULLY comprehend what another is going through?Maybe it is possible  to a certain extend , but to take everything else into consideration, the greatest degree of understanding would never be achievable by a mere human being. The life gone through is a masterpiece itself.

Who then do we turn to?Who then do we seek? 

Maybe, just maybe...thats why we need God.

Thats just me, but most importantly what do you think?

You are near

Ok its time to unleash the song i composed more than a year ago 

It was composed on 30th November 2007. Its still in my old blog post.=)

If you guys want to have a look at the old post CLICK HERE

Let me know what you guys think =)

You can stream it from here

Or download it  from the link below

You are near.mp3

Christmas carol *UPdated version*

A Christmas present for all of u,

unedited,fresh, no digital effects,

just a lousy laptop mic, a guitar and me =)

*UPDATED VERSION -10.40am  17/12/08*

You can stream it from here

Or download it (clearer) from the link below

O Holy night.mp3

The profiler

The art of studying a person's character, the movements, response, eye contact , posture ,speech and most importantly change in character provides enough information to depict one's character, one's lifestyle, one's weakness, one's strength. It is a personality test , not of verbal or written response in honesty but of unconscious actions.

The more observation time given, the more history there would be to leak out along the way. Picture paints a thousand words, what more if it is live in action. The mistake or rather the weakness of this art is that too much assumption is done on the character of who they will be in the future or potentially be. Mind would start to turn potentiality into something that is certain which is dangerous as we give no room for change. 

This gift was further developed through the game of chess. As prediction of opponents move could be done 8 moves ahead of the opponents mind. Which means, nothing the opponent can do would surprise me in the next 16 steps as I have already seen it coming. 

Guess now it has become apart of me, to discern, predict and anticipate movements and actions of others. The sad part = rarely am I surprised. Why is it sad? surprise is a part of life.

The setback of possessing this ability is that sometimes weakness of another is magnified over strength as more concern is being put in that area. This way, Ill never get to meet my Miss perfect . hahahah. God, 7 more months and I would have faithfully completed my deal =). 

WOw..its october!!!

Wow...its october already.

Man...what a journey this year has been.

I dare to stand here and say there is no one in my circle people that I know am going through the stuff I go through. And I boast about it because now I know what it is like to fully rely on God's strength and not my own. I learnt it not because I was willing to but more of me being put in a situation where all my strength has been drained and I have no other source to depend on. You know how we have so much head knowledge about God, Im telling ya that it is nothing until you have experienced it.

Lets start with my job.I work at least 25 hours a week on a uni day and 45-50 hours a week on a holiday. You see, if people were to just have a job with that amount of hours, they would be tired by the end of the day.

Then comes church. Well we're pioneering a church so were pretty much heavily involved in building up the church.Lets see... monday night bible study, weds night prayer meeting, friday night youth, Sunday Service. I guess my focus has been the music ministry and leading the youth group to a greater dimension.

Then there is studies. Well to be frank, I dont have time for studies.not that im lazy, but I really dont! ahha . Exam is tomorrow, I just started studying yesterday. ahah!

Well so to summarize my time,

Monday - (9-6pm) uni and work. (8-10pm) bible study

Tuesday -  (9-6pm) uni and work. (7-10pm) giving tuition

Wednesday -  (9-6pm) uni and work. (8-10pm) prayer meeting

Thursday -  (9-6pm) uni and work. (rest of the day) planning for youth.practice for worship

Friday -  (9-6pm) uni and work. (7-10pm) Pick people up for Youth, and have youth after.

Saturday -( 9-5pm) Work. (rest of the day) practice for Sunday worship.

Sunday - (3-5pm) Setup hall for service (5-7pm) Service

I told God, "I really need your strength as I am not doing this for myself but all this, literally all of this is for you. I am going to give you my all and I know you will take care of my studies for me.Ive been doing it all this while, but this time the test is even greater and I am fully dependent on you for strength and wisdom.By Human strength  I might survive for one month with this schedule, but for the rest of the year...I need you."

And before I know it ....Its october now!!! ANd you know what, I am not tired but I feel that I have alot more left in me. and everything has been working great ever since. 

I got a promotion in the job, my credibility and influence has increased. Church has been growing ever since especially with the youth  doubling every couple of months. Studies wise, I thank God for the results he gave me for semester one...couldnt be happier. For this semester...I still have to rely on Him, but I know He will not fail me as long as I keep my focus on Him. 

=)

Fathers Day

I found that amusing..ahha

Something i realized.... if i fall sick and dont work out for7 days in a row, my abs would just disappear!! Its Amazing at how long u take for it to get there...and how fast it could just disappear. It is not as permanent as Biceps. biceps stay there regardless. lol

Father's day is approaching.... Wonder how it feels like to be a father watching your own child grow. Wonder how it feels like to see your own child fail/succeed in life. Wonder how much it would hurt a father to see his child humbled by life. Wonder how much more pressure a father would feel to have his child do well in their studies.Wonder how it would feel like if your child does not return home from scholl and theres no way of cantacting him/her. Wonder what it feels like to nurture your own child your whole life and let him/her go approaching adulthood. Wonder what it feels like to be a dad.....

Do i blame dad's for nagging,disciplining and putting pressure on kids? I dont think I will. As much as I hate it as a child, I would probably end up doing the same thing. I guess as a child you wouldnt understand how a dad would feel until you become one.

May all dad's have a blessed fathers day this Sunday! =)

Happy Fathers day!(in advance)

Wednesday..

I have a 1500 word essay due on fri. I havent started on it.I thought to myself maybe I'll skip uni on thursday to do the essay.Besides that, I was feeling great.Was looking forward to all-you-can-eat-sushi on thurs nite with 4 gals...ahem...well my work colleaugues ahem.Wonder y we're not employing any guys at my shop. ahah. I shared during prayer meeting and challenged the adults to be a support to the youth and how nurturing their passion for God is important. NIght ended well, but i was beginning to feel sick. I was starting to shiver....

Thursday...

One more day for my assignment to be handed in. Havent started on it. Diddnt get enough sleep. Was tossing and turning through the night. Head felt like it was gonna burst.Was shivering through the night.Woke up to find myself down with fever. Neck was strained. Each time i cough it just added a sudden motion jerk that sends a signal to my brain nerves to strain. It was excruciating. I was fighting the battle that only exhausted myself. by 7am with my eyes still open, grimacing in pain, I called my dad in to pray for me.that was sweet i thought. havent had that happen in a long time. I went to the doctor to get the MC. Doctor gave me two days of MC. now I have an excuse to hand in my assignment late? I missed out on the sushi thingy btw. I was in agony. By 7pm, I still had not consume anything besdes panadols. I had no appetite for water or food. And I was vomitting. It was getting worse.

Friday....

I slept outside in the living hall this time. Slept sitting up. Couldnt lie down as i felt the urge to puke each time i was lying down.I woke up feeling fresh. no more fever. Slight headahe but i can deal with that. I just need more rest. Assignment is due. I e-mailed the lecturer to let her know my situation.I was still coughing but I can deal with it. Its not excruciating, its just irritating.Also prepared the songs for Sunday as I'm worship leading. Changed the chords with steph's help and type it up and e-mailed out.At about 1-3am was watching "ah long"...LOVED IT.. with hannah, steph and veryn. *Steph was snoring half the time...haha jk*

Saturday....

Recovering...but not fully recovered. Diddnt go for youthalive concert in an attempt to recover properly.I want to give my best to God on Sunday. Lecturer just e-mailed back granting me an extension to until Monday wishing me the best in my recovery =) . Currently starting on my assignment. 

Sunday..

is gonna be a blast. Last week was a fun night with the launch of our new church. This week, this week, we're taking it another level higher. God, as I am weak in body now, empower and strengthen me so that you may be glorified above all else.

Update!!!

OK if u guys are wondering how hannah and steph are doing..... i think these pic explains it all!!!

ahah....more pics were taken but some needs to be censored....LOL

this was after the launching of the new church..woot!

CHANGE

Everything is different, everything is changing.

Church.I used to observe but now Im more involved than ever.wednesdays fridays and sundays. Guitaring,worship leading, backup singing, sharing, planning.I want to do more! but what? I dont want to burnout nor do i want to maintain the fire.I want to burn bigger and brighter

Studies. I used to excell but now im struggling to be at the top. im nowhere near the top. I need help. I need time to study. I need the mood to study. I thought i was good until i found myself in a class of melbourne nerds.

Work. I used to enjoy my work with my colleagues but now everyone has left and now its a new set of people.everyones new.I cant fit in. I force myself to work. Everyone(esp the new manager) is dependant on me for the performance of the store. I like it but i Dont. I want to concentrate on my studies.

Hold me close,

Let your love surrounds me,

bring me near,

draw me to your side,

as i wait,

ill rise up like a eagle,

and i will soar with you,

your spirit leads me on,

by the power of your love.

My account of my birthday....

SO my 1st birthday wish started 30 minutes before the clock striked 12. She called and it was cool catching up on the long lost years that we've been apart.SHe has her life now...i have mine .Although we are living in two different countries , it still fails to change the care-free chat that we would always have.to chat just about anything...everything. It was great, refreshing and certainly assuring that there are still people around who still have my back.

By 12am, the influx of sms came in with the constant beeping of my phone while i was still on the phone. Even after I got off the phone at half past 12 the messages were ruining my sleep...up till 2am.Do i mind? no...Its nice to be loved...to feel loved..... thanks every one.....disturb me anytime you want.....anytime!


I awoke the next day, did my usual routines and headed off to berwick to pick her up. It was raining. I thankedGod for cooling down my day and I told God thats about enough...I think I need sunshine now =). And so ...sunshine it was! Upon reaching my destination, there it was ...God's gift....A perfectly semicircle rainbow majestically arrayed in the sky. I looked up to the heavens and said "so that was what the early rain was for? thanks for going through so much trouble God...I really appreciate it....Its a birthday gift Man can never make...but only God can."
Thank you God, for making me feel special today.

We then had a movie and dinner after.I was spoilt.really.For the first time, I diddnt come out a cent. yes, my first time. THANKS.

then people started calling in wiching happy birthday....ahhhaha its great to feel special even if it is for one day.I guss if you get this everyday...you wouldnt feel special anymore.

then it was night....i had my youth meeting on.It was awesome...fantastic.... The atmosphere was great. I had candles, cake....and a birthday song. I had hugs...and lotsa love. Youth has been a very encouraging source and is certainly playing a big role in my growth and walk with God.

We started at 8, and ended at 12. No one wanted to leave....it was just great company and I miss them already. Now we have 15 and should be hitting 20 by july or august. God will provide.
God, I pray that you can be real to them as you are so real to me.Make them feel special just like you have always done to me. LEt your favour be so evident upon their lives that theres only one person to point the glory back which is to you oh God. LOve you.

*P.s not forgeting those who came on msn and also those who left their wishes via e-mail, facebook friendster and also those who called me up at various times through the day....THANKS HEAPS!*

Just for you God

The more i look at it, the more frustrated i AM. Give me patience God. Teach me to love because out of my will, I cant. The more frustrated I am .....the more I am at the verge of giving up. At that very edge, I lose all hope, I lose all strength.....I began to take a second look. The more I look at it, the more similarities I see in me.

I see me in it. Thank you God for opening my eyes to see things that I would never have known if it wasnt for this.Break it Lord, I strive for perfection, perfection in character because I want to be the best for you.Show me more O lord.

TEach me forgiveness and teach me rebuke at the same time. Neither strong on one nor weak on another. Teach me joyfullness and compassion.Teach me dependability and independence.Teach me Patience and courage. Teach me contentment and diligence. Never let one be stronger than another.

All I want....and all I ever need from you is for you to look down smilin and say "well done son."
Ill make you a proud father.

JAP FOOOD

We had an all you can eat JAp food!!!!! wahahaha like seriously all-you can eat....... and it was jap. haha well im back and working agan. Introducing my team at Clayton...

From left: Jon, me , siew , fay

The cup

I gazed thoughtfully at my cup. It was big, glossy on the outside with artistic streaks of lines lined randomly. It was a nice cup, In fact it caught my attention as I walked in the store. I held the cup in my hands, unsure if I should put it back on the shelf. Should I do my shopping 1st and come back later for the cup? Maybe I'll find something better than this....

I inspected the cup thoroughly. It had the potential to hold large amounts of liquids. It was larger at the top in contrast to the base of the cup.It wasnt very stable. But then I ask myself why do i need a new cup? Do i really need it? It looked good on the outside but on the inside...there were stains. Has someone used itbefore? BUt it looked good....maybe I could just buy it and wash it up later. Are the stains permanent? Or can they be removed?

Should I just take the cup and attempt to wash it up? What if the stains dont go? will I still keep it?Will I look for another cup or do I just keep washing it in hope that one day the stain will go.The more i thought about it the longer i was holding the cup. The longer i held the cup, the more people thought it was mine.Should I just put it back and find something cleaner to save me the trouble of washing? Or was I being too fussy?

what do I do?

Life as a game of chess

I remember being naive of the pieces i was moving across the board. I moved each piece in sequence of what i thought should be the right move.I never thought more about it. Each move i made were just a mere understanding of which direction it is capable of moving.

Then i moved on and realise that there was more to it.I could actually win this thing. I had an idea in my head and I carelessly moved the pieces awaiting the glorious moment of saying "checkmate" and looking at the opponent staring blankly at the board.Of course there were times when i would be at the oter end of it sighing my way out of my seat.

As i progressed further, I got better at it. I could now anticipate not 2 not 3 not 4...but 12 moves ahead.That was at the very pinicle of my game. Not only could I anticipate but I could move pieces suttly enough to beat the very best at their game. My game could not be anticipated.why? its unorthodoxed. Making them play they way I want them to play, an unfamiliar territory is where they are most vulnerable at. Making them unsecure with an unfamiliar game play, its impossible to predict the next move.Before you know it, the pieces are restricted and have limited movement while i bask in the vastness of mobility.

Then slowly the game shows up, the plan surfaces. ideas 12 moves before were now in placed and going for another 12 moves ahead. They see it but its too late to do anything about it now.

Life unknowingly is awfully similar to the game of chess. Every move represents a decision. Sometimes a sacrifice is required to achieve a higher goal.Sometimes we make decisions based on anticipation of what the consequences would be and sometimes based on a gut feeling. Its a matter of weather you let life control you, or let life be at your control.Break free from setreotypical ways of playing the game and go unorthodox. Why let life decide for you when you can decide for it? The timers been hit and its your move!

Take me away

Take me far far away,
to the place they always say,
oh do take me there today,
please PLease make a way,

Im tired, im exhausted ,
more than that im frustrated,
but God youre always there,
to remind me that you care,

thanks for the stars once again,
thanks for moon to light my lane,
thanks for the opportunity to serve,
thanks for your guidance above,

Youre always there beside me,
through rough seas you carry me,
Amazing how youre always there for me,
I love you as much as you love me. =)

busybusybusy

it was a busy busy week. Thought i had enough of work and studies(and dates) to juggle with....now with steph down here, haha i have to sueeze abit of time for her =p.

Well it was worth it.AT least i had an excuse to go out. If it wasnt for her, my feet would be cemented to my room floor doing assignments. Well, now im still in a rush to complete it but hey, i found time to have fun ~! =)

busy busy busy, everyone who is aware of my weekly schedule will kow what im talking about.

uni is 5 days a week 9-6 with breaks in between

i squeeze bout 30 hours of work a week

the remaining hours i have is basically for dinner and also my sleeping time.

if im lucky, i'll get 3-4 hours a week to do my homework.

surprisingly i managed to squeeze 6 hours this week for luxury purposes at the expense of my homework hours. But it was worth it.(at least i hope it is until i get my results lol)

Cheers

things got better..or did it?

Well...i dont know if this is a good thing....
I just got an assistant manager post...which means my salary will change...
but...theres a catch to it. i have to work 20 hrs a week.

well i can do that but hey, its gonna be full on work + study everyday from 9-6pm from now.
is that worth it? i hope...

i need strength to carry on....
when im weak..u make me strong.

MArch!!

March was just an extraordinary month for me...

I received...

50 dollars voucher - highest sales
50 dollars voucher - rated extraordinary by a mystery shopper
20 dollars + 10 dollars voucher - highest sales in one day ( thanks nikki )

Its funny cuz i dont talk much back in malaysia...and over here i talk too much..haha
who wouldve thought of sean doing sales seriously.... haha

maybe this could be my permanent job and i shld just quit radiography...ahahha

anyway...evrything is just running so smoothly..~! woooooo

God is great!

wow....what a weeek!!

managing a shop is fun....well, at least its something different for a change..
there's always something new to learn, hence it kills the mundane routine of my job.

something that would be a surprise to some of u ......ive 10 dollars left out of the 190 dollars worth of credit i had....and its 2 more weeks before the billing cycle rolls over. i think i need a higher cap lol.....or the skype phone! i need that freee 4000 minutes a month.

gosh...im bringing my job everywhere i go! enough sean...enough!

well today was funny....we were in the anatomy lab where there were bags of dead ppl....and some parts that were cut up were laying on the table. well....while i was carrying a limb from one place to another....i spilled some fluid that was in the tray holding the limb onto this other girl...ahha.... !!!

well im currently balancing my studies....my job and the newly pioneered church....
considering my studies is 5 days a week....and my job is during my breaks.....thats a full day from monday to saturday for me.... i still hv to slot in church into saturday and sunday....and somehow i still manage to slot in dates in bewteen some weekdays. Im just exhausted...i nee a break..but i wont get it... when uni break starts....my clicnical placement starts....so basically...i have no breaks this year....go sean! u'll make it thru somehow.....

other than that....it has been great.... u noe those times when u go thru the downs of life....there is always a time when it goes up again and u reap the rewards for it? well theres that time now.... but i know tests and struggles would be coming my way again and I dont wanna be to contented in this environment and not be on my guard for the tough times ahead. whatever the situation is, nothing ever changes the fact that God is great and is greatly to be praised!

Homeless guy

today was probably one of the most fulfilling day i have ever had...

Mel and I left the planet shakers church to talk to this homeless guy by the road side...we ended up talking for 2 hours. Ive learned so much from him. How life can be so simple and yet we complicate it.

We offered to bring him out for lunch but he diddnt want to. SO we just sat at the stairs and had our chat there. Lovely guy!

We learn about how life has taken his toll on him...how he got into drugs. We talked about his family...his life...his perspective of life....

He is a wise guy i must say...He is very knowledgable... He talks about the way different organisations run in the city. The way they help homeless people etc. How pointless some of them are and how he enjoys different kinds of approach...

Sitting down and having a chat with him was probably one of the most meaning ful times ive had.If ever any1 drops by the old abandoned salvation army building...near parliament station...there is a guy there by the stairs under a tree...his name is Darren... say hi for me. He's a lovely guy to talk to!

We diddnt bring him to church but we brought the church to him =).

God is great!